Placeholders for Desire and other absurd stories


Placeholders for Desire

Walter, aged ten, receives a goldfish for his tenth birthday. He realizes that the goldfish is by no means ordinary when it opens its mouth to speak, claiming to be the spirit of Merlin with three wishes to grant. Walter asks immediately for the bike he actually wanted for his birthday, instead of the goldfish he actually got. The next time around, Walter wishes on his sixteenth birthday for a new car, instead of the crappy bike he got. By the time Walter makes his third wish he is a young adult of twenty five working nine to five at a small start up after graduating from the state university with a business degree. “A million dollars,” he asks of the goldfish, using his last wish with an eager grin. Walter is arrested within the week for the manufacture and usage of counterfeit federal notes. He gets out on an insanity plea when the goldfish he claims as an accomplice is nowhere to be found.

Feminine Features

Vanessa wakes up one morning and counts four toes on her left foot. She goes crazy looking for her misplaced toe. After a month, the toe is still nowhere to be found. She gives up wearing open tied shoes in an effort to hide her embarrassing secret. “Lost toe,” says the posters she sticks everywhere in her neighborhood. If found, please call 917-163-9458. Below is a picture of her foot before the toe was lost, a clip art arrow pointing out the specific toe in question. How far could a single toe travel in a month’s time? Turns out the toe was in her pair of pink house slippers the entire time – she hadn’t recognized it because she had removed her nail polish the night the toe was lost and hadn’t realized something with such sorrily chipped red nail paint could be hers.

Unfair Trade

Vince couldn’t sleep. He hasn’t had a wink of sleep since he looked at his eight year old son, Ben, a week ago and realized the boy looked nothing like him. In fact, the kid actually closely resembled his identical twin brother, Vance. He was sure there was some kind of mix up at the double wedding he and Vance had with Tanja and Sonja, the identical twin brides they had married together. However Vance denied this when Vince wrote him accusing Vince of just wanting to trade because Ben had been born with Down Syndrome and six fingers on his left hand while Vance’s son, Bill, had straight A’s in school and scored with all the girls, pretty or otherwise. It was Vince’s own fault for being too busy with work during Tanya’s pregnancy to stop her from smoking and drinking all types of shit. Of course Vince couldn’t argue – in his boyhood he had always swapped his shirts with his brother when he accidentally spilled juice on them.

Gray areas

Whenever I dream I see a gray surface, nothing moving at all, as if everything were hidden behind a thick fog of a screen. Even in this grayness, however, I can her sounds that make me worried, scared, happy, or aroused. Sometimes I even wake up with a boner just from all the gray. It wasn’t until I went to the doctor that I found out that I was colorblind and that this is a rare condition in which the color of a colorblind person’s dreams all have the same tone. All the action of my dreams were inaccessible to me because of my disability, even the wet ones when I wake up with jizz all over myself.

Weight and Distance

Randall’s science class is learning about inertia. After the teacher shows the class how to pull a white tablecloth from a table without disturbing the bowl of fruit sitting atop it Randall decides to try it out at home. However, Randall’s 300 pound grandmother is disturbed when the sheets are pulled out from under her enough to wet herself. Fortunately for Randall, his grandmother has been bedridden for the past 30 years and cannot seriously carry out her threats to break his arms and legs as long as he stays at least five feet away from her at all times.


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